


The Space Between Us

by OrmondSacker



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: 1000 percent sadness, Angst, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 23:31:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5804524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Poe has an accident, Finn has to confront violent memories of his Stormtrooper past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Space Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> The Mature tag is for the abuse and other mature themes in this, **not** for sex. (No action of that kind here.)
> 
> [Hippyfetus](http://hippyfetus.tumblr.com/) asked for a "Finn has a nightmare about his past and Poe comforts him" fic, though she may want to murder me for the result. Originally the story ran very differently, but when I was 80% done I realised that it wasn't going to work. So I ended up stripping the plot and redoing everything and in the process [that excerpt](http://the-name-is-finn.tumblr.com/post/136326061403/excerpt-from-the-stormpilot-fic-im-writing-its) that's been going around tumblr got spaced. (It's too good a scene to let go so I'm certainly reusing it some day, I just couldn't fit it in here.)
> 
>  
> 
> Betaed by [milleniumvulcan](http://millenniumvulcan.tumblr.com/) and [lucycantdance](lucycantdance.tumblr.com). Lullaby kindly provided by [petimetrek](petimetrek.tumblr.com), the butchering of the song was done by me and any complaints should be directed to me.

“Can you hand me the arc welder?”

Poe was seated on the top of his X-Wing, the hatch to the engine open and the pilot bent over it.

Smiling, Finn retrieved the welder from the tool bag that stood on top of a small wheeled table and held it up, Poe blindly reaching behind himself to grab it.

“How much longer are you going to be? I'm starving.” While he loved to watch his lover work, he hadn't eaten since noon and his stomach was growling.

“Just a moment,” Poe answered as he leaned further down and used the welder on a loose connection.

“Come on, Finn.”

The words came from Jessika Pava, who was standing nearby, next to her own fighter. “You know his 'moments', we'll still be here in an hour if we wait for him. Dinner will be cold by the time he's done.”

Finn chuckled. He knew all to well how absorbed his lover could get when working with his hands, that was part of the fascination. But not when he was this hungry.

“Can't have that, let's go.”

They hadn't gone more than five steps when they heard Poe say, “actually, I _am_ done.”

Both of the turned back to see a grinning Poe close the hatch and flip his leg over the bag of the X-Wing and, intending to jump down to the ground, reach out to grab the port thrust engine to direct his descent. His hand missed its grip by millimetres and he tumbled into empty air with a sharp yell, landing back first on the table below. The sharp crack that sounded as he hit it seemed to echo in Finn's ears.

The force of the impact left Poe dazed and with the air knocked out of him, capable only of staring up into the rafters of the hangar while he tried to regain some control over himself.

Finn froze in his tracks, his nose suddenly filling with the smell of hot arid air and his ears with the sound of howling winds.

_No! No, no, no. He was not back there, he was in a hangar on Algos. He was with the Resistance, not... them._

He focused on the cold air and acrid smell of fuel from the X-wings around him, digging the nails on one hand into his palm, fighting to stay in the present. Breathing slowly through his nose, he forced himself to look down at Poe, who still lay in a graceless heap on the floor, Jess kneeling at his side.

“Poe, are you alright? Can you stand?” she asked.

“Leave him!” Finn's words came out as a bark. Jess' attention snapped up at him and she looked surprised. Finn never barked like that outside combat situations.

Marching across the floor, Finn knelt down beside Poe as well. The pilot was beginning to stir, and Finn grabbed him by the shoulders and pressed him back down.

“Lie still,” he commanded, his voice steely.

Poe frowned, still dizzy. He still had not got nearly enough air back to speak, but the look on Finn's face worried him. The other man looked hard, almost unforgiving, nothing like he usually did, and his face was ashen.

Flicking a glance at Jessika, who could only respond with a puzzled look and shrug, he did as Finn asked.

“Can you move your toes?” Finn

“Wha-” Poe managed to croak out.

“Your toes. Can you wiggle them?”

Poe did his best to get enough air to talk, but still his words came out sounding slightly choked and breathless.

“Yes. Finn, I'm fine.”

“You hit your back.”

“And I'm fine. Got the air knocked out.”

He tried to sit, but Finn's hands still restrained him and the ex-Stormtrooper looked at him with worried eyes.

“Listen, if you're that worried I'll go to the Med Bay and have them check me. Okay?”

Finn nodded, his jaw tight, and he finally let Poe up.

The pilot winced as he tried to sit, his muscles already aching from the impact when he put strain on them, and Finn and Jess had to help him all the way up. Groaning, he tried to straighten himself once he was back on his feet, but he had to give up and lean on Finn instead.

“Maybe not quite fine,” Jess said.

Poe shot her a look that said 'shut up'. Finn looked worried enough as it was, far more than Poe felt his accident warranted. The younger man looked like he might need a medical check himself.

It was slow going getting to Med Bay. Poe needed both Jess and Finn’s help in getting there and by the time they did he could barely crawl onto the examination table. The only good thing about the whole situation to Poe was that the life was returning to Finn's face. Whatever shock the younger man had got seemed to have worn off, though he still looked far more forbidding than he normally did.

There was nothing Finn wanted more than to stay near Poe, but the doctor threw both him and Jess out, telling them to go get something to eat. He briefly considered staying outside Med Bay and waiting, but the last thing he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts and the memories of arid, howling wind that still teetered at the edge of his conscious mind, and the strange disconnect between his body and mind made it hard to think properly, so he let Jess drag him off to the mess hall.

He heard Jess talking to him and his own non-committal response, but it was as if he couldn't fully hear what she was saying, or wasn’t in control of his own voice.

The fiery taste of spiced nerf steak on his tongue snapped him back into his body. The piece of meat felt too large in his mouth and chewing it only made it seem as if the bite swelled. Forcing himself to continue chewing, and finally swallow, the meat, Finn felt it settle uneasily in his stomach. Part of him wanted nothing more than to stop and push the plate away, but too many years of never knowing when, or what, he might be allowed to eat, made him continue.

The other Resistance fighters seated around the table – friends of both his and Poe's – were talking, but Finn paid their words no heed and focused only on finishing his meal. An abrupt lull in the conversation made him look up, to see Poe approach their table.

“What's the verdict?” Jess asked.

“I knocked a chip of bone off one of my vertebra and I'm going to have a very impressive bruise for about a month. Maybe that'll teach me to not do acrobatics when I'm tired and hungry,” Poe quipped.

While he spoke Poe studied Finn surreptitiously. The other man had only cast a brief glance up at him before returning his attention to his plate and Poe hadn't liked the immobile look on his face, not one bit.

Quickly fetching some food, Poe pulled up a chair next to Finn and sat down, trying and failing not to wince. Even with the painkillers they had given him his back hurt like it was on fire and would keep doing so for the near future. The lethargic feeling from the combination of painkillers and the constant ache made Poe good for little more than eating his meal in silence while the others talked. Still he tried to prompt a response from Finn several times, but all to no avail. The man remained solely focused on his plate and even when he was done he did not look up.

Poe scraped the last bit of sauce off the plate and looked at Finn again. Putting a hand on his arm, he shook it gently.

“Buddy?”

Finally Finn looked up, but Poe almost wished he hadn't. The face was an empty mask, nothing at all like the ordinarily emotive Finn.

Finn was a man who never hid his feelings, be they fear, grief, anger or joy, and this closed off, impassive façade made him look like a stranger.

“Yes.” Even Finn's voice sounded strange and hollow to Poe's ears.

“Ready to head off to bed?” It was a bit early, but no one would question his need for rest. Or why his lover was going with him. And they clearly needed to talk, but not in front of everyone else.

Finn nodded and rose from his chair. Poe struggled to get up and gladly accepted a supporting hand from Finn.

As Finn returned both their trays Poe caught the worried glances several of the pilots shot at the former Stormtrooper's back. So they had all noticed how out of character the other man was acting. Of course they had, they were all fond of Finn and his out of character behaviour would be obvious even to someone who wasn’t as observant as the other pilots.

Jess looked up at Poe with an eyebrow raised in question. Poe shook his head. If they hadn't been able to get through to Finn during the meal it was likely that there was little any of them could do to help at the moment. Later perhaps, but not right now.

Giving them all a brief nod, Poe headed after Finn, who was already on his way out the door.

Finn remained silent for the entirety of the walk back to their shared quarters, never looking at Poe or in any direction except straight ahead.

“Wanna join me for a shower?” Poe asked as they entered their room. It was something they sometimes did when one or the other had been injured – maybe that would make Finn feel better – but the other man just shook his head and sat down on the edge of the bed, his gaze locked on the floor and his hands clasped in front of him.

For a second Poe hesitated, then he went and sat down next to him, putting a hand on Finn's shoulder.

“Talk to me.”

Finn remained as still as a stone under Poe's touch and only the jumping muscle in his jaw gave away the strain that went on inside him.

“I can't.” Finn's voice was hoarse and laced with pain.

Poe hesitated. _Should he push, hoping to crack the shell that had formed around Finn, or retreat and give the man space, and hope he would open up on his own?_

After brief consideration Poe decided on the latter course of action, at least for tonight. If Finn was still in the same state and equally uncommunicative in the morning he would consider pushing, but whatever was going on in Finn's mind it was obviously bad and Poe hated the thought of inflicting further pain on the man if it wasn’t necessary.

So Poe leaned in and pressed his lips against Finn's temple while he let his hand slowly brush across the man's shoulder in a soft caress.

“Remember I'm here, buddy. If you find you can talk, remember that I'm here.”

He let his hand drop away and pushed himself up laboriously.

Finn remained where he was even as he heard Poe strip down and go into the shower. Closing his eyes he lowered his head to rest on his folded hands, trying to ignore the pain that had started clawing in his chest.

When he had said to Poe that he _couldn't_ talk about this it was the literal truth, however much part of him wished to. The words got stuck in his throat, refusing to go any further. The smell of dry, dusty air still lingered in his nostrils as the memory did in his mind, both stubbornly refusing to go away.

Even if he somehow had managed to get the words out, would Poe even be able to understand? His whole life had been so different from Finn's. Loving parents, a real family, friends, people who believed in him, trusted, loved and supported him. And Finn's own? He tried not to dwell on it, no power in the galaxy could change the past and he had a different life now – a life of _his own choosing_ – away from the propaganda, abuse and brainwashing of the First Order. But at times like this he couldn't help but feel that there was a chasm between his world and Poe's and he didn't have the first clue how to bridge it.

The sounds of the shower stopped and he heard Poe's footsteps come to a halt just outside the door to the fresher only to come close to him once more. The touch of Poe's hand grasping his shoulder again burned his soul as badly as the memory he was vainly trying to bury.

“Finn?”

The worry and tenderness was more than Finn could deal with, the pain Poe's gentleness caused far too great. He quickly rose to his feet and went to the low dresser.

“Let's go to bed,” he said, his voice sounding oddly disconnected even to his own ears.

The minute pause until Poe answered felt like forever.

“If that's what you want?” Poe said, not knowing what else to do.

Finn didn't respond, but instead mutely began to change to his sleeping clothes as Poe, equally silent, studied him.

Seeing his lover, his _friend_ , like this was ripping Poe's heart apart, but he had no more ideas than before on how to break through to Finn, except by brute force, which was the last thing he wanted to employ towards the man he loved.

Stepping up behind Finn, Poe grabbed his biceps gently and pressed a soft kiss against the scar on top of Finn's right shoulder. The other man froze beneath his touch and indecisively Poe let his hands fall away, suppressing a sigh.

“Okay, lets,” he finally said, trying to keep the heaviness out of his voice.

Putting on the clothes he normally slept in – T-shirt and sweatpants – Poe crept into bed. Finn was already curled up on the other side of the bed, dressed the same as Poe.

Poe climbed under the covers, turned off the lights and closed his eyes, but it was some time before he drifted off into restless sleep.

Finn lay awake even longer, the otherwise soothing cadence of Poe's breathing offering him no solace.

 

**oOoOo**

 

_His whole body was heavy, worn down with fatigue, heat and hunger._

_“You will take the men across the ridge. You will do as commanded, FN-2187.” The sergeant's emotionless voice echoed in his helmet's headphones._

_His body turned, beyond his control, and headed towards the ridged terrain. He heard the sound of the other three following him._

No. No, this... this wasn't right. It wasn't.

_The ground became broken beneath his feet and in his exhaustion he kept stumbling and had to break his fall with his hands. The rattling of armour behind him told him the others fared no better._

_Bruised and tired he pressed on, his mind muddled and his limbs screaming with fatigue._

_“We won't make it in time.”_

That voice. It was familiar, but it didn't belong to the man it should. Who was it that had said those words?

_“We will.”_

_Pushing himself up, he sped up the pace, even though every fibre in his body protested. The ridges never seemed to end, just as he thought he was at the end another would show up, then another and another, till he could only believe that they would be trapped here forever._

That would be best, if we never reach the end, then-

_His thought was cut short but the appearance of flat ground._

No. Please. I know what is going to happen. Please don't.

_A sharp yell came from behind._

_He turned, the air feeling as if it had turned into molasses, slowing his move to a crawl._

_On the top of the cliff ridge behind him stood Poe, his balance lost, toppling backwards, his eyes filled with terror and betrayal._

No. This was wrong. It was the wrong man, it couldn't-

_The crack as Poe's body hit the ground beneath was deafening._

_Phasma's cold, electronic voice echoed in his ears._

_“The injuries were too complicated, he has been terminated.”_

 

**oOoOo**

 

Finn woke, sweating and shaking in the dark. Then the room was filled with the soft light of the bed lamp.

He closed his eyes and tried to get his errant breathing under control.

“Finn? Finn.” Poe's voice was only a soft whisper in his ear and he could feel the other man's warm hand hover over his shoulder, not quite touching him.

He sat upright, longing to do nothing more than get up, out, run and keep on running. But he knew there was no running away from his memories, instead he clenched his hands in the covers and lowered his head, struggling to keep his mind from floating away from his body.

A warm arm came to lie around his shoulders, its touch at once both gentle and solid. It hurt. The warmth, the gentleness, the caring behind it, all of it seared his heart and soul, created fault lines in his defences. He felt himself cracking beneath the strain and he wanted to scream.

“Finn, tell me what you need from me. I want to help, but I'm not sure how.”

“Stay.” The word came out as a pant between his numb lips.

The memory of Poe's eyes in his dreams, Phasma's terrible voice still echoing in his mind, none of it wanted to go away. Having Poe here – touching him – hurt, but _not_ having him here would hurt more. It felt as if his whole world had turned into agony and there was no escape for him.

A second hand came up to rest on his shoulder, Poe's head leaning in close to his.

“What happened?”

Kindness, softness, creating another fracture, breaking the chains holding his words back.

“We- we were on some world, not sure which. Don't think we ever got the name of it, or if we did I was so exhausted I wasn't paying attention. It was a training missions and... well, they put me in charge of the squad.”

Finn swallowed, his breath still shaky and his voice none too certain either.

“The terrain was ridged, rocky with lots of broken ground. The sergeant, he... we were commanded over the most difficult part of the terrain as it was the most direct route to our goal. I- I protested, going around would be just as fast. We were all worn down by fatigue, hunger and thirst we could barely think and going that way we would all be too tired to be any use in a fight.”

He swallowed convulsively once more.

“The sergeant said that... we would all be put on punishment detail for a week if I refused.”

Memories of what punishment detail entailed made him shudder. The hand on his shoulder tenderly caressed his skin through the T-shirt, creating more rifts.

“I moved us out in the direction ordered. The trek was even harder than I feared it would be, we all kept tripping because we were so tired. It was clear that there would be no way we could fight when we got to the target if we kept on. I made the decision to take us through the high ground. Up at the top of the ridges we would be more exposed, but there would be less up and down climbing. It was a risk that we would be spotted, but if we couldn't fight when we needed to we'd be dead anyway. SK-957 disagreed, he felt the risk was too great - if we failed to reach our objective there'd be hell to pay for all of us – but I ordered us all up there.”

_How could he explain the rest, the exhaustion that was more than physical, not having eaten in over a day, how the air was so hot it burned his throat and lungs despite the filter in his mask? He didn't know the words to make Poe understand this._

“The- It was still heavy going. But-”

He swallowed and his breathing sped up. He tried to bring it back under control, but with little luck.

“But we made it. Somehow. Almost.” The last word was little more than a pained whisper.

“I had got to the last ridge, the others a bit behind me, when... when I heard a sharp cry. I t- turned and- SK-957. He was standing at the edge of the cliff – He fell.”

He clenched his fingers harder in the covers.

“The crack when he hit the ground below- it sounded deafening. I... started to climb down to where he was lying. The other two wanted to press on, to meet our objective but no way I was leaving him behind.”

Finn licked his lips.

“He was still alive but- his back was broken. We- had nothing to make a stretcher from so we had to carry him by hand. It might have made the injury worse.”

He made another convulsive swallow.

“I'm not- quite sure what happened after that, until we got back to base. I talked to Captain Phasma about SK-957, tried to. She said that they would look into whether or not his injuries were worth healing.”

His jaw clenched and his chest ached with restrained sobs.

“They- they killed him. Terminated was the word Phasma used. He didn't have to die.”

His eyes and throat burned, as dry and waterless as the air on that nameless planet where SK-957 had lost his life.

A hand, palm calloused from tinkering and weapons practise, came up to lay against his cheek, the moist heat a curse and a blessing both for his dried out body. Soft pressure applied, it slowly tilted his head up till he met dark, calm eyes. They held grief, understanding and a deep determination, but not one ounce of blame.

“You are right.” Poe's voice was low and tender with emotion. “He did not have to die. But his death is not your fault.”

All fault lines broke, shattering under the strain of love and compassion, and Finn let out a soundless scream. The dam finally broken, tears surged to his eyes and began running freely down his cheeks.

Poe wrapped his arms around the other man, tugging him in against his chest. Finn's fingers were clutching at his T-shirt, a drowning man looking for a way to stay afloat.

Poe knew that Finn's life had not been entirely without affection or comfort while he grew up, but such things were almost never spoken aloud. Words were too dangerous, too easily overheard and always punished when they were. Instead caring and comfort were done in touches, though often these were furtive and hidden. If done too openly they too would meet with sanction.

Wanting to offer his lover consolation in a way that he would not need to translate, Poe gently lay them both back down on the bed, his arms still firmly locked around the other man. Laying Finn down on his back, the pilot used one hand to tenderly caress Finn's side, arm, hair, chest, the top of his leg, any part that he could reach without letting go, his lips grazing Finn's face softly, brushing across tear streaked skin. All the while the other man was wracked and torn by sobs, tears openly running from his eyes.

How long they remained like this Poe wasn't sure and Finn had lost all concept of time and space, locked in his own mind, distantly but certainly aware of a hand and lips holding on to him, not letting him escape the pain in his heart, all the while the offering a balm for his anguish too.

But in the end even the deepest well runs dry and Finn found that he had no more tears left, only a soul-deep pain that nothing in this world could dispel. He just lay on his back, staring into the ceiling, eyes unseeing.

“I thought the same thing would happen to you.” The words fell from numb lips.

Poe felt helpless, with no idea how to respond. All that he could say, that the Resistance would do everything possible to help him if his back truly had broken in the fall, and even if nothing could be done they wouldn't kill him, Finn already knew. Logically. But a lifetime of conditioning, of facing utter inhumanity, could not be erased so easily.

Instead he rolled them over, so Finn lay plastered in against his side, Poe's arms wrapped around his body, his hand cradling Finn's head.

When Finn finally spoke his voice was despondent.

“I'm so tired, but I'm not sure I can sleep. I don't want to dream.”

Poe ran his hand over Finn's hair. Perhaps there was something he could do.

“Finn, I can never completely understand what you went through, though I’ll always be here if you want to talk. As long as I’m alive, I’ll be here. I want you to remember that.”

After a second he felt Finn’s arm gently squeeze him in reply and some of the tightness in his chest eased.

“And I want to see if I can help you sleep. It might not make much sense to you unless I explain something first, but it involves my mother’s death and I’m not sure if you want to hear about that right now.”

Silence reigned in the room for several minutes before Finn quietly answered.

“Go on.”

Poe swallowed.

“My mother, she died when I was 8 and I had nightmares about losing her for a long time afterwards. I would look for her and couldn't find her, or just... well, pretty bad dreams.”

He halted, examining what he could see of Finn’s face, still uncertain if he should be telling his lover this in his current state, but a small encouraging squeeze from Finn made him continue.

“My dad always seemed to know when it happened, he could probably hear me since I cried so loudly. He would come into my room, pick me up in his arms and carry me back to his own bed. The night light would be on and he would hug me in his arms until I had cried myself out, then he would tug me under the covers of the big bed and stroke my hair while he sang me back to sleep. It usually kept the nightmares away. For that night at least.”

Poe pressed a kiss on top of Finn's curly hair.

“I want to do what my dad did for me. Let me sing to you?”

Poe looked down, closely studying his partner. He was worried whether this was the right thing to be doing, if it would even help Finn at all, but he wanted so badly to help assuage Finn’s pain, even if what he did only alleviate a small amount.

Finn lay so still against his side that Poe wasn't sure if the other man had heard him or not, then Finn gave a tiny nod and Poe let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.

Poe reached out and turned the night light away, so it would shine directly into Finn's eyes.

“Close your eyes.”

Drawing a shaky breath, Finn closed them, trusting Poe to help him banish the monsters that haunted his mind.

 

_A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea,_

_mi niño tiene sueño, bendito sea,_

_bendito sea._

 

_Fuentecilla que corre_

_Clara y sonora_

_Ruiseñor que en la selva_

_cantando lloras._

_Calla mientras la cuna_

_se balancea_

_a la nanita, nana_

_nanita ea._

 

_A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea,_

_mi niño tiene sueño, bendito sea,_

_bendito sea._

 

_Pajaritos y fuentes_

_auras y brisas,_

_respetad ese sueño_

_y esas sonrisas._

_Callad mientras la cuna_

_se balancea,_

_a la nanita nana,_

_nanita ea,_

 

Poe kept his voice low and soft as he sang and he felt how Finn's breath slowly steadied and deepened, his body growing heavy against Poe's own. Even after his lover was clearly sound asleep, Poe kept singing, hoping his voice would help banish the past to the place it belonged, if only for a few hours.

**Author's Note:**

> Right, will someone please kill me now? Enough with the angst, next one will be fluff I promise. They deserve some unadulterated happiness.  
> Those who want to hear what the song sounds like can find a version [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r79PhIUqLGo).
> 
> If you feel the need to yell at me for this in a more private forum than AO3 allows, you can find me on [the blue hell site](http://the-name-is-finn.tumblr.com/).


End file.
